James Bond: The Nymphographic

UPDATE: A month on and it’s fair to say that The Nymphographic has found its niche. 27.1K view on Visual.ly, where it’s currently rated 6 of 1,082 in Entertainment, 32.4K views on Buzzfeed, pick-up on everything from Vanity Fair to Badass Digest, and some Tumblr love from Wil Wheaton resulting in more traffic to this blog over a few days than it saw in the rest of 2012 put together. All hail Tiny Master!

With SKYFALL opening tomorrow Glass Eye regular Tiny Master has chosen today to unveil her JAMES BOND DOES IT EVERYWHERE! ‘nymphographic’, a stylish visualisation of Bond’s cinematic sexual exploits and their wide-ranging whereabouts.

Bond’s on-screen dalliances are well documented, but never before to this degree of detail. Who Bond bonks, how many times and, most revealingly of all, where. Indeed off the back of her efforts we can exclusively reveal that, for all his peripatetic petting, Bond is NOT a member of the Mile High Club. That’s right. James Bond has never had sex on a plane.

Let’s do it by the numbers. 75 individual encounters involving full sex or, as is more common, the implied promise thereof. 53 different women, 15 of whom never live to see the credits. 37 beds, 8 boats, 3 trains, 3 floors, 2 cars, 2 barns, 2 tents, 1 sauna, 1 shower, 1 jacuzzi, 1 ferris wheel, 1 gypsy caravan, 1 life raft, 1 escape pod, 1 space shuttle, 1 iceberg-shaped mini-sub, 1 embankment, 1 clearing, “back at Guantanamo” and the rest. And no airborne bonks. Not one. Double-0-zilch.

If Bond was ever going to pop his flying cherry it’s surely in MOONRAKER. We first meet him somewhere over Africa in a clutch with an air hostess. He trys it on. She pulls a gun. Turns out she’s a bad egg, so Bond jumps out of the plane with no parachute on.

Within minutes he’s in a helicopter with Corinne Dufour, a Drax Industries pilot he will shag soon after landing. Later, Bond drives a speedboat off a waterfall, exiting in a hand-glider and descending gracefully into an Edenesque garden of plenty. Upon reaching terra firma he is encircled by Drax’s Amazons, then attacked by a reticulated python.

And there will be those among you, doubtless, spluttering that Bond does indeed join the ranks of the M.H.C. at the end of MOONRAKER, when he engages in some zero-g docking with Holly Goodhead in the space shuttle Moonraker 5. We take these things more than seriously here at Glass Eye HQ however, and we’d have to disagree.

Wikipedia defines the Mile High Club as “a slang term applied collectively to individuals who have sexual intercourse while on board an aircraft.” The key word here is aircraft, defined as “a vehicle that is able to fly by gaining support from the air, or, in general, the atmosphere of a planet.” You can see where this going.

If the fact that Bond and Goodhead are hovering a full two feet above the floor isn’t proof enough that their space shuttle is still outside earth’s atmosphere, we have Q’s observation that Bond is “attempting re-entry”. Cue Goodhead asking Bond to “take me round the world one more time”. They’re still in space. The shuttle is not an aircraft, but a spacecraft, for the time being at least. And Bond remains, implausibly enough, outside the ranks of the M.H.C.